I like Rollercoasters

8 months + 3 weeks

2012-01-27T08:11:00.000-08:00

Here what Arthur's been up to lately:

Climbing on me like a jungle gym

Eating a bunch, and looking so big

We discovered that the washing machine is awesomely entertaining in so many ways!

A nice fresh bump on the forehead from crawling into a sharp corner. But still happy to be in the bath!

Had a few sickly days, which included lots of sweet cuddles, and also lots of tears, snot, and drool. A few anti-nap protests. I've felt like a walking Kleenex...and I've been changing shirts a lot...because he cries into my shoulders and it's just really messy, but oh so tender.

Pulling up, all day long! Little tiny hairs on head.

Got dedicated at church!

Loves chicken!

He went from refusing any solid foods, to eating big (for a baby) chunks of grown up food within about 2 weeks. Crazy! At first I was so scared to feed him big food, but he's caught on so fast that it just feels natural.

Peek!

Learned how to turn on the faucet! Ruh roh.

Cutest trick of the week is WAVING! He does it a bunch- when we put him to bed 2 nights ago, he smiled up at us and waved good bye! PRECIOUS! He also waves when he wants something, like food.

The second video just shows his crawling, climbing, noises and sweetness in PJ's.

Crap you guys

2012-01-15T09:15:00.000-08:00

Early December. He likes to bang on the stairs with his hands and practice pulling up.

Arthur just started growing exponentially. He's closer to being a one year old than to being a newborn! He's almost been out of me longer than he was in me. So, here are lots o' pics that I feel capture our current "moment," over the last 2 months. Lots are blurry because that's the only option. Either blurry pics, or no pics! He's such a dear little adventurer and my love for him just explodes me daily.

He currently has a black eye from a fall, and practices waving quite often. 3 days ago he crawled onto my foot and said 'mamama' while I was cooking!!! It hasn't happened since.

After 2 months of not liking solid foods, he suddenly caught on at 8 months! Now he's loving all the pureed vegetables and fruits I'm giving him. I'm so proud.

Just this week after learning to pull up to a stand, he's started taking a few steps while holding onto the coffee table! Precious. Oh, and when I say 'crawling,' I mean scooting, like an inchworm. That's how he's gotten around quite well for the past month, but just last night he did some REAL crawling towards his Uncle Josh C.

This was the day he realized he could sit up straight in his stroller, instead of lounging back. He was pretty pumped about it.

Typical baby post-bath happiness.

As of this week, he pulls up into this position all by himself! HE'S SO BIG AND SO LITTLE AT THE SAME TIME!!!

Stuart said this is such a 'mom pic'. True.

This is my view so very often. He loves me and often just crawls toward me for a snuggle and a little encouragement before continuing on his adventures.

Big day, learning to stand in his crib! This was such a shock to see on the video monitor, and the next day he didn't nap because he did NOT want to lay down.

Sneaky.

In December he learned to pull up to this position. This toy is awesome.

A serious dishwasher fan.

Cabbage patch, studying face.

It's so cute when he crawls right outta his pants. See the pants, over there?

He's obsessed with crawling with this beloved ribbon in his mouth, or with anything in his mouth. Like a puppy.

this is me loving him to pieces

6 months

2011-11-16T14:04:00.000-08:00

I die when he wears this cardigan

Handprint sleep marks. He's a champ of a sleeper

Hey guys.

I don't really like blogging that much, but I do like looking back on my old posts- like a marker in time! So this one goes out to the future me! And anyone else interested :)

Rough Day.

Flying!

This video was when he was on the verge of babbling.

Carrots are more fun to play with than eat.

Now he's babbling a lot! And laughing. And snuggling.

Looks like his dad's smile!

This last video was yesterday at our friend Rohan's house. I wish I didn't have to sound like an idiot to make him laugh, but that's just how it works.

2 Month Check-up

2011-07-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

Hi friends!

This morning we took Little Boy for his 2 month check up. He is 9 weeks today! At 12 lbs, 2 oz, he is in the 75th percentile for weight. He's 22.5" long/tall (50ish percentile) and his head is 50th percentile as well. Right on track, little buddy. Babies in my family are traditionally short and plump but with Stuart's genes mixed in, my little man is more stretched out than I was as a baby. No surprise there...

I got such a kick out of dressing him is this little hooded track suit. It was the 1st time I'd put him in a zipped hoodie and I just couldn't get over the cuteness. This is my nervous smile, because I knew he was about to get his SHOTS!

He was being SUPER sweet, smiling and cooing at our doctor (who we LOVE, by the way). After chatting thoroughly about life w/ a 2 month old, we had to expose those chubby thighs... I felt so bad about what was about to happen, since he was so happy!

He got Tazmanian devil and blue camo bandaids. I've never seen him turn as red as he did from crying! I immediately teared up right along with him. We had to hold his hands, and I just watched his little face go from happy to totally dismayed as the first needle went in. I hope he can trust us again!! I felt like such a baby, but the nurse said every mom cries the first time.

It broke my heart hearing him wail and then whimper like he did afterward. It was pain + personal offense of the people he trusts betraying him. (OK that's a little dramatic, but that's how it felt to me!)

As soon as the whimpering finally simmered enough, I nursed him and he fell asleep for the next 4 hours.

He's been sleeping most of the day, and snuggly and whimpery when awake. Poor little dear.

I'm reminding myself it is way better than a hospitalized baby from the crazy stuff we are immunizing him from.

Somehow I have to accept that he will get hurt in life but I don't know how to make myself OK with that...

Holy Roller

2011-07-01T05:43:00.001-07:00

"Let it roll, baby, roll" - The Doors

Thumbtown

2011-06-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

Just because it's so cute, and I totally didn't see it coming.

Why is it so cute???
(I just realized this probably means he's right-handed!)

7.5 and so alive.

2011-06-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

7.5 weeks, that is. It will be 8 on Wednesday.

This guy continues to shatter my heart daily with cuteness and sweetness. I actually love to hear him cry...partially because he doesn't do it very much, unless he just needs something. And I like taking care of his needs, so it works out!

As of week 7, he is more generous with his smiles. Before, you had to really work to get a smile, but now he will grant them unmerited. Again: heart-shatteringly cute. He is also talking more! I LOVE it. He seems to (try to) match the volume of his environment, as I learned from our visit with his 3 busy, talkative sweet cousins in Wilmington last week. Instead of being overwhelmed by their (high) amount of activity, he merely tried matched their level (although his voice is much tinier and delicate) with little 'oohs' and 'ahs' and various gurgly sounds with random consonants thrown in.

His next cute trick came with battle wounds:

And resulted in this:

So, the past few nights he has let us sleep even longer because his thumb seems to hold him over for a while before he starts crying! Nice work son. He actually went 11 hrs last night between meals, which is REALLY good for a 7.5 week old!!

I just love him to pieces and I think he's addicting. On Saturday, I was home alone with him alllll day. After putting him to bed for the night, I was surprised that I missed him!

He and Stuart are bonding in cute ways too. I'm excited for the day they can do manly things together. Whatever that may be...

So much. Too much.

2011-06-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

Oh boy.

How do I catch my blog up on the 1st 5 weeks of my little stud's life?


I LOVE a good milk coma

I think I'm starting to function again, but I spent a majority of the past few weeks simply staring into the sweetest blue eyes, smelling the sweetest little head, and nuzzling the sweetest little cheeks. Aaaand I'm getting all teary-eyed just thinking about it! Motherhood has been the best unexpected delight.

I say an 'unexpected' delight because I had no idea the love that would overwhelm me the moment I first laid eyes on my firstborn child. There is no way you can be prepared for that. But I'll do a birth post soon and share more about that.

It is hard work, and pretty exhausting, but we are doing well and trying to figure out what to do with ourselves now.

Here is a video of some early morning snuggles. He was fascinated watching himself on the screen as I recorded. I was trying to get him to realize he was seeing himself but it might not have clicked with him yet...I'll give him some time :)

It's time

2011-05-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

Here's the situation.

Today I am 12 days overdue. I've been trying to go into labor...but it's not working. The problem is my sweet baby has not yet dropped at all- he's still 'sky high'; I am about 50% effaced but 0% dilated. At my medical practice, they don't like to let babies go over 2 weeks past due date. I've been having tons of contractions but the fact that he hasn't dropped into place at all is a concern.

Our theory (the midwife, and I agree) is that he hasn't dropped into place due to the high amount of fluid he is floating around in. A lot of fluid is good for him, but is probably prohibiting him from fitting into my pelvis and causing labor to start.

We are going to the hospital at 5:30 today. They will put a "balloon thing" in me overnight to cause dilation. Usually women will be 2-3 cm dilated after 12 hours with this device. Tonight should be a little uncomfortable, but not TOO bad and they'll give me Ambien to hope for a great night of rest. In the morning we will start pitocin to get contractions going... see how things go...maybe break my water around noontime. Once the water has broken, he will HOPEFULLY be able to get into place and come out to meet us in the afternoon or evening!! Since he never 'dropped' there's a small chance maybe he wouldn't fit, in which case we'd have to do a C-section.

So that's the scoop! Please pray for me as I'm nervous-- pray that things happen naturally with as minimal intervention as possible! Also pray for protection over me and baby's bodies as we work hard to make this happen, and for Dad as he bravely coaches us on!

**The lovely pic is by my dear friend Charis Hill
**Sorry for no blogs lately-my computer died!! We are getting it fixed this week :)

2011-05-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

36.5 weeks- watermelon

2011-03-26T13:19:00.000-07:00

Hi friends. Less than a month to go! I'm pretty excited. I have cut back my work hours to 4 days a week, and also set an official last day of work: April 15th. He is due April 19th. I reserve the right to move my last day up sooner if I feel the need to! I honestly hope to never ever go back there again...except to visit and show off my little man to my co-workers, who have been so sweet and gracious with me these last 8 months :)

I've VERY much enjoyed 3-day weekends these past 2 weeks with my new schedule. As you can see in the picture, last Monday we painted our bedroom! Tomorrow we will paint the nursery. Today is a rainy Saturday, and knowing that I don't have to accomplish everything today, I am relaxing in bed, in my PJ's, and am actually just paying attention to my babe move around in his huge bump-home (I'm trying not to use the word 'belly'- I never liked that word much anyway). I realized recently that I've been so busy working and preparing for the baby that I had hardly been paying attention to him! His heart rate was low when we went in last Monday so the midwife hooked us up to the heart monitor to see how my contractions affected him (they didn't really affect him at all). He was just consistently below where they wanted him to be that day, so I was ordered to really pay attention to make sure he was kicking enough (at least 10 movements every 3 hrs) and to come back in 3 days. It was a little alarming, but I felt like he was OK since he usually moves around so much.

Sure enough, on our follow-up visit he performed like a champ, heart beating strong and fast, and showing off for the midwife with his acrobatics. She was laughing while trying to locate his heartbeat because he was so lively in response to her touch. It was so nice :) We think he was asleep and during the previous visit.

Since then I started to really appreciate his health and vitality. His movement is painful sometimes but it's very endearing. It's so cool to think that he is full-grown now and just looks like a regular born infant! I have contractions all the time; some that are so tight I can barely breathe, and some with pain. There is a small fear that I won't realize when it's the real thing even though everyone says you will 'know'. Stuart is in Phoenix Arizona this weekend. We've been praying for a long time that the baby won't come this weekend and I don't think he will. Once it turns April, he has my permission to come whenever he's ready! I'm not as afraid anymore. I dreamed last night that he was born and I was just staring at him. It was so real and it was the first time I've dreamed about him! He had dark hair and big feet. But still no name. I have no idea when that will come.

Pineapple.

2011-03-02T19:05:00.000-08:00

Yeah 33 weeks. I'm getting so used to being pregnant now, I forget how far along I am...forget to blog...forget lots of other unrelated things too. I had a baby shower last weekend- a romantic spaghetti dinner at my parent's house with a ton of my favorite gals. It was so fun, and I got some great loot! Like, really, really good stuff.

I have been so busy lately! My spare time is spent going on walks, RESTING, SLEEPING, EATING, getting the house in order- and that's about all I have time for! Partially because I just require a lot more of the resting and sleeping than I used to. This beautiful, amazing warm weather has been very uplifting recently. I love spring time- I was born on the 1st day of spring! Baby is due right around Easter. I just hope it's not actually on Easter, tax day, or my birthday that he makes his entrance. He needs his own holiday.

The doctors say we are looking good- he is head down and kicks those little feet and legs around like CRAZY. I'm having lots of painless but some very tight contractions. At work I write down what times they start, just for fun. When I first realized I was having contractions, I felt so cool!!

Last week we took a few classes, including childbirth, and now Stuart is pumped and ready to go. It's very cute. The other night I apologized that his music room was a MESS-- just a tornado of baby shower gifts. He smiled and said that it's not his music room anymore. It's the baby's room.

30 weeks

2011-02-11T22:52:00.000-08:00

When you're 26 yrs old, the number 3o is going to be a little intimidating, no matter how you put it. There is so much happening, I hardly know where to begin! This week, my baby's daddy and I went to tour the hospital where he will make his entrance into the world! It was very interesting and I know we both were wide-eyed and maybe a little pale-faced the whole time. We got to see some adoooorable newborns in the nursery, and there were Peter Rabbit sketches on the walls (cute). The delivery room is really nice- very spacious with comfy seating and home-y amenities. The nurse kept going over what to do when we get there- dad, drop mom off in a wheelchair in the lobby, then park the car. She will be waiting in the lobby unless anything crazy happens, in which case, run to the 8th floor and scream her name until the nurses show you to her room. It made me nervous; it made Stuart realize that we are, in fact, having a baby.

My bump has now overtaken any vertical part of my mid-section you could imagine it overtaking. I'm baffled as to where my ribs went. I find myself amazed at how small all the other girls seem now, and all the pictures of myself from Thanksgiving and Christmas make me laugh since I thought I had a such a 'bump'.

Little boy nuzzles and snuggles around like crazy in his "room", especially when I'm trying to sleep or when his dad is praying for him. I absolutely love it. I love to pester him a little- like push down on one baby body part and make him squirm in response. It's so cute and freaky at the same time. It proves what we all know: that parents love to torture their kids from the beginning!

I have so much left to do in the nursery. It just doesn't even matter though- maybe I'll have more time to finish it up after he's born when I get a break from work! Perhaps he can help me pick out some things for his room once he's seen it. I'm trying to enjoy this special time as much as possible and I'm starting to realize that the best is yet to come.

29

2011-02-01T19:30:00.000-08:00

I promise, my boy grew a noticeable amount from when I woke up this morning to now, as I am typing at bedtime. That at least explains why I was indescribably sleepy and weepy today and yesterday. I am 29 weeks today. My first week of 3rd trimester has been markedly different. My ribs have felt bruised the last 2 weeks, and the past few days I feel stuffed to the brim full of baby. It feels like right after Thanksgiving dinner...there is no way anything more could fit in my stomach area! I've been a little concerned, considering I have 2.5 months to go and am positive I'm completely out of growing room. The man weighs 2.5 lbs now. I just don't know how we will accomodate the 4+ pounds he is sure to put on before we meet.
Oh, speaking of pounds- the general feelings of discomfort have left me unfortunately very irritable. Basically, I just want to eat ice cream and pancakes. I really haven't indulged in these much at all, but this morning (as I was REALLY struggling with life and being awake) I did allow myself a pack of peanut M&M's at 8:30am. It was great, but I need to make sure I limit these indulgences as much as possible or I will really really run out of stomach space.

On another note, I'm still getting over the ends of The Plague. Throat and ears are still sore- it's really something!

I go back Thursday morning for that dreaded 3 hour gestational diabetes test. Pray that I don't have diabetes because I just love dessert so much...what would I do if I could NEVER eat chocolate again (until after April)?!!

This picture is from tonight. Tell me that belly isn't bigger than last time you saw me! But I have to say, I'm OK with how the rest of me looks :) I was thinking it would be much worse than that by now.

Good night all!

I failed a test but my son is a winner!

2011-01-24T18:40:00.000-08:00

We visited the doctor today! Because my placenta had been a little low, we got to see an ultrasound again to make sure it moved up- and it did! The boy weighs 2 lbs 5 oz now; his head is 7 cm, and he is positioned like a V in me- butt down, and head and feet up top. He will need to flip before delivery, but he has time for that. He loves to move so I assume if won't be a problem. Stuart and I really felt like proud parents looking at our handsome boy. I like the side profile pic of him where he is laughing (...or drinking amniotic fluid...depending on how scientific we are being).

I have gained 16 lbs total and will be 28 weeks tomorrow. Last time I measured a week ahead, but this time everything is right on track! (Whew). This stuff is all so fascinating to me so I'm happy to share what I'm learning because it has all been a mystery to me in the past!

There was a little drama surrounding my test for gestational diabetes. I almost passed out an hour after the super-sugary drink they gave me. We had to wait an hour after the drink, then get my finger pricked. It was almost time for the finger prickin', and the nurse asked if I was feeling OK. I was confused by the question and said yes, then wondered aloud why she would ask me that. One minute later, everything started spinning and my ears rang so loudly as I slumped down in my seat in a cold sweat, nauseated. My blood sugar had crashed hard. I thought I could handle sweet things! I told Stuart I felt funny and after seeing my white face, he protectively hunted down a nurse, who brought a cold towel for my forehead and cup of water as the ringing slowly dimmed and things came back into focus. It was funny! I'm normally so strong. As we have been seeing lately (with my "Plague" instance this week, for example) that I do after all have weak moments (haha- darnit). I just did NOT want to fail the diabetes test but she assured me that my reaction meant I was OK. We had to wait 2 minutes after the finger prick...then she reported that my iron level was good, but I just barely failed the test!! This was very disheartening because I know that she misread the clock when we started the test. It was 1:36, but she said 1:26 and I didn't want to call her out on it. I think if we had waited a few more minutes it would have been OK. I tried to explain that to her but she couldn't change anything that was on the record. It could also have been the cold medicine I was taking.

So, major bummer, I have to go back in next week for a 3 hour test, in which I will drink an even STRONGER drink (yikes!), then get blood drawn on the hour for 3 hours and wait in a small waiting room that only plays soap operas.

I can't say enough what a champ Stuart has been. He volunteered to come with me for this next test and tried to pretend like it will be fun. He carried my purse throughout our dr. visit and tonight he watched The Business of Being Born with me. I kept both of us up all night last night coughing, and he kept rubbing my back, then got up early to make me breakfast before work. What a sweetie. I should write a whole blog about him sometime soon.

The Plague

2011-01-23T17:51:00.000-08:00

27.5 weeks pregnant.
8 days The Plague.

I don't think I've ever been so sick for so long! I think it's just some type of cold...but it's hit me so hard. I guess prego+cold=temporary death? I am feeling better though, and it's been an interesting experience being incapacitated for so long. It actually hasn't been so BAD (despite the pain and achiness) and I've just been able to rest... a LOT. I feel like all I've done is sleep, drink water and pee. And blow my nose, and according to Stuart, SNORE when I sleep!

Lately I'm obsessed with looking at crib bedding! I will probably settle with this cute hippo print from Target but Etsy has so many 'shops' where you can design your own bedding (for triple the price) and it's so fun to dream about! I had originally decided to paint the nursery light yellow, and have grassy themes with chrome/brushed silver accents. I know chrome colored things are hard to find but that's what I like! Industrial, like my house! But after finding this pic of the lovely gray walls with citrus accents, I am in love. Also I like the letter 'V' above the crib because 1) it's chrome and 2) my 2nd child will be a little girl named Violet Hope.

So now I'm torn between the yellow/grass/chrome themed nursery, or a subtle gray wall with pops of bright color (orange, yellow, pink).

Last night my sweet little sis came over and made chocolate chip pancakes for me. I hadn't gotten out of bed all day and that brought so much healing to me since my man was hard at work all day! We watched one of the greatest romance movies of all time: Lady and the Tramp.

I'm ready to feel better and to decorate my little baby's room!!!

There SNOW way I aint gonna be glad today

2011-01-10T16:35:00.001-08:00

Hello!

I woke up to a 5am text that work was closed due to the SNOW! Looking out the window is so exciting on snow mornings- I almost couldn't get back to sleep after the excitement!

I had some thoughts today. It was really easy to be selfish today...and it didn't feel good. Too much free time is sometimes not good, as much as I hate to admit. I found myself feeling dissatisfied with what I have and wishing for other things or other people's lives.

But then I would remember how great my life is! I love my life and it is just as beautiful and wonderful as other people's, just in a different way. So that was nice to realize. It's really important for me to be thankful and content with where I am and what I have. I realized that the devil will try to take a perfect day- a SNOW DAY-- and try to make you feel miserable somehow. That's so dumb.

Speaking of thankful, there is something I forgot to mention in regard to yesterday's post. I actually am about to start a really cool job that is a total answer to prayer!!! My older (stay-at-home-mom) sister has been doing editing/formatting for a publishing company for quite a while now and it's work you do from home on your own time. You can take on just as much work as you want. I think that is PERFECT for a stay at home mom, which happens to be my latest aspiration. I applied to this position back in August (complete with a very intentional cover letter), sent a follow up email a week later but never heard much back from them except that they got my application. Well, about 3 MONTHS later they e-mailed to offer me the position! I am starting this Friday and it's a total answer to prayer. I am so excited!!!! A secret about me is that I LOVE to be comfortable, ie: snuggled on my couch or in a cozy coffee shop and this job will allow for that, as well as of course flexibility with a baby. I plan on staying full-time at my current job for a little while longer as I build up my work in this new job.

Happy snow day! I am off tomorrow again, so another day of practicing joy and contentedness. Cheers!

25.5 weeks & let's be honest...

2011-01-09T06:24:00.000-08:00

Greetings.

Interesting weekend. I have slept so much! And had a cry-fest each night before bed. I am freaked out by my own body and it seems to catch up with me at the end of the day. Something big and scary is happening and my body is the closest thing to me- I can't get away from it! It has never done anything crazy like this child-growing business before. What if this isn't a good thing that's happening?? I already love my Little Clarklet and he is a very cool kid but what if we are just not ready for this change and responsibility? I can hardly take care of myself and husband so how can I really take care of a baby? I mean, Stuart and I haven't made it to the dentist in 2.5 years. This weekend I've wanted to stop, rewind time and just not do this yet. I just keep catching my bump in my peripheral vision- I can't escape it. Also it is hindering hugs with my husband. Not cool.

There is a part of me that is confidant about labor, delivery and motherhood. I know I will do great- it runs in my family! I'm peaceful and hopeful. There is a time for everything, and my time for this is now. I will be stretched in so many ways and will become a better person ultimately. There is also a part of me that has been completely terrified of birth for the last decade. And motherhood is a complete unknown. Unknowns make me uneasy.

I'm being really honest here with no apologies. I had an easy couple of weeks lately and I must've gotten a big new dose of hormones that are pushing me over the edge. I know we will be OK but Stuart is leaving his job this week and trying to guess how we will make ends meet adds stress to an already overwhelming-feeling situation. Faith is good... but really hard! I've been reading through James lately about how trials produce all kinds of good fruit. I need good fruit. I asked God to grow, test and purify me. But I do look forward to someday knowing that we will be able to eat and buy the things that our baby needs.

I have been in full-fledge nesting mode! Sometimes I can't sleep because my brain is racing about different ways to rearrange furniture or re-pot plants. The other day I called a dining room table a gas station. That was so weird (and hilarious...and embarrassing). I am subsequently a believer in 'pregnancy brain'.

Little man moves around a lot every day. It's good to know he's alive and well. Even through freak-outs, I do love and care about him very much. When I feel his little feet pushing against me, it makes me excited to feel them in real life! At Wive's Club the other night, we were talking about how God won't create a child and then not make sure it's taken care of. I cling to that. I have believed in God my whole life and somehow I've made it through a lot over many years! I'm still here and I am sane and whole and usually happy. The Clarks will survive.

Again: Rollercoasters.

Thanks for reading and please don't worry about me (mom!). Everyone freaks out sometimes, right? I have a peace that ultimately can't be shaken.

"Faith Under Pressure"

Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely (ha. ha). Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

- James 1 from the Message

love,

me and my baby

Week 24: Eggplant

2010-12-30T16:53:00.000-08:00

If I were more technologically inclined, I would totally post pics. My bump is bigger and rounder every day and as of yesterday, I can watch myself getting kicked! It is really cool. I might have been able to see it earlier if I'd thought to look when I felt the kicks, but it didn't occur to me until yesterday over lunch. His kicks have been getting more and more pronounced, or obvious-feeling (there are tons of ways you could describe this feeling...but it's hard to really explain) and I thought, "I bet I could see these if I looked!" and I could! Last night Stuart and I laid on the bed and laughed at my alien stomach moving around. Then today I had a weird fear that TOO much kicking could mean there is a problem (like he's kicking in desperation) but now I just think he's happy and fun.

My Christmas was amazing and full of the best family and friend times. Not to mention the snowy white Christmas I have prayed for my entire life.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve and I plan on having a blast. I can't wait to down several glasses of sparkling grape juice (hopefully in a champagne flute) and dance around in my new (empire waist) dress. In order to achieve this I will force a post-work nap (minimum of 2 hours), then a post-nap cup of coffee. Don't worry, 1 cup should do it these days. I drink water like a camel and any other substance really affects me. My friend Bethany even mentioned staying up all night and watching the sun rise on the first day of 2011. That sounds beautiful and I am open to the idea.

Anything could happen in 2011! But one thing is for sure: this time next year, my life will look a lot different in every way than it does right now.

Half-way Hump

2010-12-11T12:26:00.000-08:00

I've had a bit of an un-inspired, half-way-there hump. I haven't taken pictures, blogged, journaled or anything in the last 2 weeks.

To catch you up: It's a boy! We found that out on November 22, 2010, when we also learned that he is human, healthy, and handsome! It was amazing seeing him for the 1st time! We got lots of pictures and even a DVD where you can watch him wiggle around!! I didn't cry; just watched wide-eyed as the whole thing happened and I realized that I really have a baby in me. Stuart stood by like a protective dad, cautiously watching the screen. My sister Steph just gasped and giggled in the chair beside me. It was fun having her there too. The nurse had a long list of things to look for in the boy and that made Stuart nervous, but everything checked out OK! It felt like a turning point, knowing that he is healthy with no particular problems to be concerned about. The rest of the day, I would tear up a little whenever I flipped through the pictures again...and again. They even did the 3-D ultrasound, which I was not expecting! I think he has Stuart's eyes and my jaw and mouth. A really cute nose, so that is probably a fluke he got from my mom. We went out to Big Daddy's Burger Bar (seemed appropriate) to celebrate, split a peppermint mocha from Starbucks, got a Christmas tree and took the rest of the day off. It was the most exciting day I have had in a very long time!! I really felt like I was walking on a cloud when we went out to lunch.

Since then, I have really grown. Physically that is- I definitely have a bump! But also in other ways as I have tried to come to terms with the way I am changing. One night I was confused and frustrated that I don't have some of the passions I used to have. It made me mad that I was SO uninspired and unmotivated to do things like music and crafts like I used to. Stuart was saying that God is preparing me to be a mom- I don't need to spend energy right now on some things I used to do, and it's good to be resting up for what's about to come. I'm sure one day I will be creative again. I KNOW we will look back on these last few months fondly. I can't even imagine what it will be like to not have so much alone time together. I can't imagine not getting nice long nights of sleep. Oh man...how I love sleep!!!

I am toward the end of my 21st week. Amazing.

Watching lots of National Geographic tonight

2010-11-11T16:53:00.000-08:00

Stomach definitely got bigger today.

When will I start feeling kicks???

Had the weirdest dinner: sauteed garlic/arugula in vegetable broth, homemade mac and cheese, and a sweet potato. I don't know.

Slightly Un-ladylike Observations

2010-11-10T17:12:00.001-08:00

Just making a note about how weird it feels to grow really fast in one particular area (ie: your stomach). I feel again like I'm bursting at my stomach seams. Good thing my mom got me cocoa butter!

I'm also starting to "enjoy" pretty regular backaches- I read that about this time, your posture and backbone shift around to accommodate the growing midsection and backaches are a common and unavoidable side affect. Awesome.

Less than 2 weeks til we find out the sex!! I cannot wait.

We are now a sweet potato. Goodbye forever, Turnip Week.

Also, since we're being honest, I realized something pretty funny but also not lady-like to confess, so please proceed with caution. It makes me laugh whenever I think about it- a few weeks back I kept noticing how I would wake up with a big bulge on my left side. I would make Stuart feel it because it was so bizarre and so lopsided. I thought it was the baby...but (sorry to be gross) I think it was just my bladder in it's new position. Whenever I would get out of bed and use the bathroom, the bulge would strangely disappear. I had thought the baby just readjusted, but after several times I realized... It cracks me up every time thinking about it!

Autumn Turnip Dance Parties, 2010

2010-11-07T08:15:00.000-08:00

Greetings from an Autumn Sunday.

This really has been one of the best Charlotte autumns that I can remember. Probably because I was expecting to be disappointed by the lack of real 'autumn' here in the Piedmont, but the leaves and beautiful mystery in the air have really delivered all the autumn charm that I adore. Thank you, Year 2010.

One sad thing about being with-child the past few months: I really can't dance. I just can't. It's mainly from the sharp decrease in energy, but I also think something is going on with my coordination and balance that just really disables me (more than usual, that is). I amuse myself by trying anyway, and ending up with weird anti-climactic robot moves or gentle (boring) 60's sways.

It's times like these when you can make up stories like: "Oh yeah, before getting pregnant, my stomach was so flat" or "I used to be such a great dancer" or "Of course I never ate this much before...". Really you can blame anything on being pregnant if you want. But you might start sounding like a fake, and also a flake.

I haven't made much talk about the produce comparison for Baby C this week.

It's a turnip.

This is definitely the least endearing of all the produce-baby size comparisons I've come across. Especially when you see the picture they provide on my baby app. Hopefully next week will be something more lovable. Speaking of lovable, after hearing the heartbeat this week for the 2nd time ever, our baby proved to be every bit as lovable as you could imagine. It sounded SO CUTE beating at 140 bpm's in there!!! My thought was, "It's so laid back, just like us!". I imagined I was picking up on it's personality through the heartbeat. Maybe it will be a sweet, easy, perfect little baby who only cries on occasion and always cuddles and smiles...haha. I'm sure my older sister could provide a nice wisecrack right now.

A really fun discovery this week is being able to feel where he/she is nestled in my stomach! I notice it the most when I first wake up. One morning I woke up on my back and it was ONLY on the left side. My right side was completely flat (just like pre-pregnancy, duh...). You can really feel it and it is so funny!! Sometimes it's nestled high, sometimes low. I love finding it and feeling it's firm little self. It feels sort of like a hampster through the skin.

Oh and one last thing. I read somewhere that as of the past week or so, it can actually hear us now! So the other night, I went along as Stuart played a worship night with Josh Baldwin. I had a little "moment" when I thought, "this is the first time it's hearing it's dad play bass!! And it's hearing me sing for maybe the first time!" I got a little emotional for a minute.

That's about it friends. Thanks for following my journey! Now I'm off to clean the house up from last night's 'dance' party.

just growin' a kid here

2010-11-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

Hey guys.

Hope you are well. Guess what? Today I felt like my stomach was bursting at the seams. I can just picture my frustrated little one like, "Mooooom I need more spaaaaace" and pushing my skin away from it with it's tiny see-through hand. Thus, the 'bursting' feeling.

Last night something funny happened. I was feeling down (hormones...) and I didn't really know why. I took a REALLY long bath- at least an hour and 15 minutes. I felt relaxed afterwards, but still a little down. I have a theory that hormones catch up to you sometimes and you just physically need to cry. I wasn't thinking about my theory, but started crying anyway. Then I tried to get dressed and saw my HUGE self in the mirror and it freaked me out a little. I laid on the bed and cried some more.

Pregnancy crying stories always make me laugh looking back on them. PMS cries aren't so funny but with pregnancy, to me it's ok to laugh. Later.

Tonight I feel like I might never do anything again, like fold those clothes that have been sitting in the dryer since Sunday.

Ovens don't move from your kitchen, so it's ok if my 'bun' and I don't move from this couch while we are simmering tonight. Little avocado child.

Holy Guacamole!

2010-10-30T09:00:00.001-07:00

Hello friends!

It's Saturday morning. That means a whole lot of things, but one of which is I get a chance to step back and think about how things are going. This morning I did a lot of praying about life...I've been really frustrated lately with some things that I never wanted to be happening at this point in my life, that are happening. We are not where I always thought we would be at this point, but in many ways we are better so I have to give those things to God, let go, and relax into His peace.

I am sharing my body with another adorable, sweet, healthy, heart-beating human. That is so cool!

I am really happy in my marriage. I just love being married; we have so much fun together, and yesterday morning he made me pancakes! On a weekday!!!

So really, many things are even better than I could ever hope for, so that is what we will focus on.

I am very happy to report that at 15.5 weeks pregnant, I officially feel better than I have since July! My sweet babe is avocado sized, and big enough where I could cradle it in my hand, which in a weird way I wish I could. But no...stay in there and keep cooking, little one! We watched the "Babies" movie the other day, and on the same day I found a bunch of pregnancy magazines that my doctor's office gave us. Those 2 events made me have a turning point of getting excited about having a baby around. Reading about conception and growth of the baby was moving because it is so miraculous and crazy. We all overcame many many odds to come into existence! It's so cool how the teeny tiny egg and sperm work SO hard to do all they have to do to create life.

I also was given my 1st batch of maternity clothes by Jessi Puleo- thank you!! The only thing I have used so far is some tank tops because it's just so important to have shirts long enough to cozily cover all of my glorious mini-bump.

Becoming parents means making lots of changes. Stuart and I have been hard at work scheming our plans for next year. It is very exciting to have to make changes and I believe more things are going to open up for us that we can't even see yet. Stuart has taken lots of initiative with some new endeavors and I'm very proud and inspired by him. He's exploring the music production/management field, which he will be amazing in. I'm thankful that my job provides a month of paid maternity leave! I very much look forward to a day when I work less than 40 hours a week. Working full time has been the worst thing that ever happened to me! Why do we do that to ourselves?? Ugh.

Someday soon we will start working on a nursery. That will be interesting.

Thanks for reading!

14 weeks-that's over 1/3 of 40!

2010-10-19T19:01:00.000-07:00

Hello. My little friend is learning how to pee this week. At 3.5 inches tall, it is the size of a lemon.

I love lemons!

Today, I feel big. Like the Grinch's heart, my stomach grew 3 sizes in one day. (I love that movie!) I have to remind myself not to feel self-conscious of my bigger-than-usual belly, especially in a room full of people who don't know me or that I'm pregnant like tonight at Charlotte 1. What would really be so bad if people just think I have a nice belly full of food? It's just a hard thing for a girl to come to terms with. Pretty sure I'm not the only one...You spend so many years trying to suck it in, but now I just can't.

I have felt sort of bad that I haven't always been excited when people ask me if I'm excited. Sometimes it just is what it is (I have always hated when Stuart says that but it makes sense right now). I wasn't planning or preparing mentally for this before it happened. I am a slow processor- I had a 14 month engagement for goodness sake! I take a nice healthy amount of time to get used to decisions and changes. I'm just not super pumped all the time, but when I do feel pumped I really savor those moments! Tonight I was talking about Baby C's developments with a friend and we both started marveling at how amazing and miraculous it is. 2 biological elements that are so SO small come together...then a human grows. Who knows how that happens! Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with gratitude that such an amazing miracle could be happening in me! But that's only happened a few times really.

I'm starting to feel like I know my kid, a little bit. Ok, DON'T JUDGE ME FOR THIS. If you do, whatever I don't care. My family has a big European influence (we have travelled there a lot and my parents still go 4 times a year as missionary counselors). I was introduced to beer (I mean good, German beer) by my dad when I was 16 in Germany. I love beer!! Last Friday, Stuart and I had had a long week, and being so diligent with our extra tight budget, had sort of just been eating crap, or nothing, for like 2 weeks. We got paid this day and decided to go on a date to Cabo Fish Taco. A date is always a good investment in any economy since marriage is such an important thing to fight for. I had a long day at work and made a decision in the car that made me smile, then laugh! "I am going to order a beer! And you are going to help me drink it! This is PERFECT!!!" I am still normal looking enough where I don't LOOK like a prego ordering a beer. And Stuart was happy to help.

My 1/2 beer was so worth it, and loved mingling with the fish taco in my happy stomach. In Europe, doctors actually recommend a glass of beer or wine to help keep the mom relaxed. No one wants a stressed out mom! But as stated, I feel like I'm getting to know my kid a little bit, and in a weird way, I felt like it should know that part of me. Now, I would not feed a newborn baby beer, but the nutrients will get filtered through my body first and I wanted it to know what tastes I like. Maybe I'm naive and crazy. But we're going to be OK.

PS: the baby is also kicking around, grimacing, and it's ears have moved from it's neck to it's head. All good things.

So proud of my little lemon.

oh life

2010-09-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

Last time I was a blogger, I was preparing for marriage and enjoying the new experiences that followed.

Now, I am preparing for my first baby!!

I am 10.5 weeks pregnant with Sweet Baby Clark. SBC is currently 2 inches tall, and this week developed fingernails! The little sucker is taking up lots of my energy! This weekend, I slept 12 hours both Friday and Saturday nights! I get winded quicker than I used to, and walk a little slower. My couch and bed became my new best friends for the first 8 weeks...which I found to put a damper on my social life. Weeks 9 and 10 I started to get a little more energy in the evenings so was happy to take advantage of feeling good and seeing friends again.

I first started feeling sick and tired at week 3, before the result could even turn up positive on a test. I took the first pregnancy test on our 2 year anniversary, August 9th, 2010. The result was the faintest blue line- which was not convincing enough for me. I just stayed in denial until a definite positive sign showed up 2 days later when I tried again. Upon seeing this result, Stuart and I just stared at it for about a minute. Then I starting processing verbally, "OK, I see a plus sign. Do you see a plus sign? The box says a plus sign means you are...pregnant. So that means I am...pregnant. Does that mean I'm pregnant??" Then I collapsed in a pile of tears in Stuart's arms for about an eternity. After sobbing hysterically, I finally smiled and thought that a baby would be very sweet...then cried in terror again. I ultimately knew that this would be a good thing, although it's something I've been terrified of ever since I was old enough to know it could happen to me one day.

Being pregnant reminds me a little bit of being engaged to be married. You are in a sort of contract to begin something huge and completely life-altering. The moment of discovery is like the moment of proposal. You would never know such a complex and intense scale of emotions could be packed into such a short moment. Although the emotions were a little different in both instances for me (engagement was more of a "FINALLY!!" while pregnancy was like "ALREADY??") in both moments, I started coming to terms that a very very big change was going to happen.

Oh wonderful, terrifying life. Come on and happen.

Clark Update

2009-01-13T16:38:00.000-08:00

Things are getting smoother. I guess we didn't really realize how many major moves we made at one time; which would explain why I, from about August-November, felt a little like I was spinning in circles trying to figure out what I was doing.

In August '08:
Stuart graduated college (I beat him in that area by 2 years! heh heh...)
We um...got married!
Moved to Charlotte
LEFT lots of great friends, beautiful mountains, and life in Boone, NC
Settled into a new home
Started adjusting to living together- a pretty good amount of adjustment there
Spent 2 weeks honeymooning in Hawaii

Then in the 2 subsequent months:
Both started working full time- our first time spending 40 hrs a week at the same job! And found that- oh my gosh- that is a lot of time in one place.
Experienced dividing time with our families over the major holidays.
Stuart started gigging (playing bass) regularly all over town.

Probably other things happened too? But I am here to report that life keeps getting better. We knew it would take a little time for our home to feel like 'home'. But that is starting to happen.

Our goals for 2009 are to keep our priorities straight, and to get closer to God. Let's see if I can get this right:

1. God
2. Each other
3. Family
4. Ministry (whatever we feel we are called to do personally for the work of the kingdom of heaven)
5. Job

Something like that. The challenge, as I'm sure the whole rest of the world knows, is balancing how much time #5 has to take by definition. And how much energy it wipes out of us every day!

We are having a lot of fun, and who are all those people that said the first year of marriage is awful??!! Tell them to stop. Each month has been better than the one before.

Happy New Year everyone!

Thoughts on Marriage

2008-12-26T16:43:00.000-08:00

I've had many thought on marriage over the past 4.5 months....

Without getting inappropriately personal, I will attempt to share some:

In marriage, you gain your very own Human. Almost like having a pet, you start to learn all the requirements and specifications of this Human, and the journey is learning how to take the best care of your Human, while enjoying all the benefits they have to offer and working with the requirements of their well-being. You begin to witness the most delightful, most secret, most serious, and the most interesting things that they do. It is really thrilling.

Marriage is sort of like the dance women do when we try to put on really tight jeans. First, you wiggle out to one side, hop up, then you wiggle over to the over... Etc. You really have to work with the jeans in order to eventually get the perfect fit...

2 month mark

2008-10-09T05:38:00.000-07:00

FYI, my new email address is courtneywclark@gmail.com. If anyone knows how to switch this blog over to that account, let me know...

And yes, today marks two months of marital bliss!!!!!

Something good happened yesterday. I practiced my violin. I had done that a few times lately, after a 1.5 month long hiatus over the wedding and honeymoon time. You see, for me that is a long time of not playing. And it was needed. I started playing at age 9. I am incredibly fortunate that my parents supported me taking violin lessons from 3rd grade, all the way through high school!! I didn't realize then what a big deal that is. I took them every week- Thursday nights- for all those years from a wonderful and passionate Romanian woman named Nora Smilovicci.

All three of us Wilson girls started out in the Suzuki method, and gradually the other 2 lost interest (and eventually picked up other instruments and are both very gifted musicians!). I always enjoyed the process of digging into a challenging piece, chewing on it, and eventually performing it at a level my teacher and I were both satisfied with. It came naturally to me- not on a virtuosic level, but a level that gave the right amount of satisfaction.

In 5th grade when public schools first offered band and orchestra, I was already ahead of all the others since I had already been playing for two years. This trend continued in middle school...and in high school. It was sort of uncomfortable, but OK that my orchestra teachers appreciated and favored me. It was an honor to always be first chair, although I felt ackward with the attention it put on me. I didn't like when the teachers would complain about the other kids to me. In high school, I participated in N.C. Honors Orchestra, and made it to All-State orchestra- a collection of the most nerdy kids from North Carolina.

When it came time to look at colleges, I decided I would like to teach orchestra one day. I had had some weird (and also bad) experiences with public school music teachers, and thought I could save the world of music, or at least do my part by being cooler than the others. I auditioned with this incredible piece at ASU and UNC Chapel Hill. It was Concerto No. 9 in A Minor by Charles de Beriot, the 1st movement, and the coolest/hardest piece I had ever played. I had been deferred from Chapel Hill before the audition, and afterward I never heard from them- I got a weird vibe from the music department anyway. At ASU however, the faculty were much friendlier and I got a scholarship for violin.

As soon as I moved into my dorm, I jumped into the world of the music school. Music Education majors were required to practice 3 hours a day, 6 days a week. I had weekly lessons with an amazing teacher. It was refreshing to get a new perspective on violin. The orchestra was fun to play in. I hated that my new teacher required me to do tons of scale work and technique exercises- which are not nearly as fun as working on a new piece but are really so important. My technique improved a lot and it was fun to have the skills to play pieces that I once thought were impossible. I also tried teaching lessons for awhile, and taught a 9 year old boy how to play violin.

Well, this life continued for 2 years. I found that 3 hours of day of practice (which I never really did 6 days a week...), plus a full load of classes, conflicts with my social desires and needs! Plus, with violin, you can never have long fingernails, and you develop a funny red mark on your neck from where the violin rests! Who wants that on their wedding day?? My back also hurt from orchestra rehearsals. Not to mention, the social environment of the music building did not fit my style at all. In fact, I felt stifled and depressed there.

In the 1st week of my junior year, I made a radical and sudden decision to change majors. I loved practicing, but really wanted to hang out with what I viewed as 'normal' people. I also just wanted to try out something different than what I had been since I was 9. I felt like I needed to burst out of a box I had put myself in. And I was suddenly scared of teaching. So I switched to Communication, and from that point felt like I really came alive! I stayed in the Orchestra another semester just in case I wanted to switch back, but the freedom that came from getting out of that dark, isolated, old orange-walled music building was very liberating!

Something wonderful that came from making this switch was that I began to improvise on the violin! I had done that a little before, but without the burden and pressure of practicing assigned music every week, I was now free to just play whatever I felt like! I started playing for worship times by myself or with others, and loved creating complimentary melodies and harmonies to fit into the music that other people were making. It felt really good to NOT practice very much.

I grew my nails. I lost the red mark.

However, I also lost my chops over time and saw my technical skills slowly decreasing. But after making this switch, I couldn't go back! I was now a free woman!! It felt so good using that free time to see friends and do other stuff musically. I played non-classical music for a change, and started playing more with friends in little shows and coffee shops. These were the Ghengis, Jimmy Laura & Courtney, and Dabney times.

In Wilmington I lived alone in the ghetto for a period of time. I would walk around my house playing violin with the heavenly host and great cloud of witnesses. It was warfare. But my playing was still sparse.

When Stuart gave me an engagement ring, and finally on my wedding day, I had long(ish) beautiful nails and no red mark!!

From the fall of 2004 when I quit weekly violin lessons after 11 years, to fall of 2008 as a newly married woman of 2 months, I have changed and grown more than I can say. Looking back on my high school self, I feel so different; I feel so free.

Last week, I picked up the old instrument. I tried some scales... things weren't too bad. Yesterday, with no one home and all the doors and windows shut, after warming up I decided to jump into a meaty, technically very challenging piece- Praeludium and Allegro by Fritz Kreisler. And I fell in love again with the raw, organic feeling of working through some nasty stuff to produce a lovely and gratifying sound.

I had to be removed from it. I had to be purged. Some mindsets I had from age 9 needed to not be associated with music anymore. I needed to grow up.

I think the Holy Spirit has been working on me- I've been through some really tough personal times where I had to choose either my self or the Lord. He is better really. Even though I think I'm smart and capable and can make decisions on my own...He is better. I'm so thankful He pressed me up against my 'self' and made me choose to let go. And now I am free.

Yesterday, I cut my nails again.

oh... you again? wonderful!

2008-09-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

Oh, hello.

I've been a little distracted the past two months. There have been certain things in my life I have been paying attention to and not to this blog.

Welcome back!

2124 Chesterfield Ave.

2008-07-31T21:15:00.000-07:00

After visiting this cute little duplex on Monday, and sending in our application Tuesday, the landlord called Stuart on Wednesday...his car was all packed but he wasn't sure where he was going. The landlord said we could move in that day! That evening we started moving in. Today we rented a uhaul truck, moved more stuff in and cleaned a lot. Tonight he is sleeping there!! These 2 days have been sooo wonderful and dreamlike. I mean- we have actually bickered a lot, but overall we have been insanely giddy and excited. Getting ready to be married to someone and doing lots of grown-up type things together provides opportunities to really see each others BAD sides!! And it's hilarious. And so fun.

We have a home!!!!! And I really can't wait to have our friends from Boone come hang out. Alicia was our first visitor. We had cups for drinks, but no chairs to sit in. haha.

14 days

2008-07-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh, I'm so ready to stop thinking about wedding planning...I was telling my mom how I probably think about all these detail things much more than I actually need to. She said that probably every wedding-planning bride does. It was sort of an epiphany for me when I realized it though.

Yes, today I finalized my plans with three of my biggest best friends/worst enemies: the caterer, the florist, and the rental company. Ahhhh! (That's a victorious sigh of relief) It is taking my mind some time to adjust to not thinking about them anymore after thinking so very many thoughts about them for sooo looong...

Tomorrow is my last real Saturday in Boone!! That is sad-mainly because of the good friends that go along with Boone. And because of those big beautiful mountains that have been faithfully watching over me the past few years. Gosh, they sure have seen a lot. Heck of a lot.

17 days

2008-07-23T08:12:00.000-07:00

Ever since getting engaged, I wondered what it would feel like a month before the wedding, or 2 weeks before the wedding, or a week before. It still seemed like it would feel different being that close, but I mean... it's not that different.

It feels like Stuart and I are much closer of friends.

It feels like the wedding is all I can think about now...

But I still feel like the same me in many ways. I have grown and learned a lot since this time last year, but I'm still... me. So, there's the answer to some of my questions from the past. If anyone else has ever wondered that, now you know! You don't turn into a princess or anything. My body still isn't perfect(can you believe it?!), and I still get in bad moods. My hair feels kind of dried out, I have a few zits, still get dark circles under my eyes. Haha! I guess that's a good thing! If Stuart is still going to marry me when I have not yet reached a state of fairy-tale perfection then he must really like me. And it is nice to be liked despite your imperfections. It's fun to see that I love him more as I get to see his imperfections revealed. To love an imperfect person and to be loved in your imperfections- that is perfectly lovely!

A secret...

2008-07-13T11:30:00.001-07:00

Everyone in my family is older than they look.

Some wouldn't want me to disclose this little fact.

I was shopping for earrings to wear with my wedding dress, and the ladies in the store declared that I look too young to get married. I told them I was 24. They could have stopped there and been OK, but to my amusement, they continued in saying that I looked like I was 16 and Stephanie looked 12! What?!?!

And my mom is just smiling all along, loving it.

son or slave

2008-06-24T19:05:00.000-07:00

Every day, I'm glad I am where I am now, and not where I was before.

My life has been great, but moving forward constantly is the best way to be! One thing I've been faced with in preparation for marriage is the way I have held on to stuff, party because I thought it would be my only chance to have some things. I have held on to 'stuff' for waaay too long. Doing that a lot can cause a general sense of stagnancy in one's life. I have known a few people who have at one time given every thing they owned away. I hear it is one of the most freeing, fun things you can ever do! If you believe in God, then He really just takes care of you. Even if you don't believe in Him, He usually takes care of you anyway. I mean, is He real or not? I know I talk about this a lot, but I think I am starting to really believe in Him.

It is a great feeling to jump off a cliff, once you get over the fear of doing it. Flying free through the air...ahhhhhh! (We actually get to do that a lot in Boone!)

Stuart has been asking God to provide money he has needed. Then when God provides it, he has been giving it away! Then he mysteriously gets more. Then he gives that away, and mysteriously gets more again. I'm serious! We are testing what this God that we read about has said, and it actually works!! It is really neat to see this. But it has required some serious cliff jumping... (but I've figured: the worst that could happen is we would be living under a bridge somewhere surviving on tuna and apples...but how bad would that really be? We won't actually die from hunger or homelessness. Anyway, we've got some family and friends that love us and would let us sleep on their porch or something if things really got bad).

I want to detach myself from the fears/cares/worries of the world and live above it all. We don't have to be imprisoned by fear/care/worry. This God is real. Heaven is real, and it loves to come to earth. We are supposed to be bringing heaven to earth. We don't have to be slaves to the world, and I will not be a slave, how 'bout you?

I will!

2008-06-12T20:23:00.000-07:00

Third and final marriage counseling session with Brad completed tonight; some thoughts on the ceremony and vows; 100 invitations sent out; hundreds of beautiful bridal portraits posted on a secret website... under 60 days to go... Stuart's biceps steadily increasing in size as both our teeths increase in whiteness.

Not sure if I've mentioned how sick I am of cleaning houses every day, but I'm making the most of it that I can! I have gotten so fast lately at my job! I am really looking forward to a new job where I can use more brain and less brawn.

I wish everybody could sit down and talk with Brad about marriage. It is extremely hopeful!! Stuart faithfully typed up notes during each session that will most definitely be revisited often. Things are much more hopeful than we are taught by the world.

I HAVE THE DAY OFF TOMORROW!!

shut me up and let me out!

2008-06-10T12:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes love means keeping your mouth shut. I have been encountering those type of situations a lot lately! It is hard to do! But really, my opinion is not always the thing someone needs to hear. I hate to admit it, but it's true! There are actually many other reasons to keep the mouth shut in order to love, in numerous situations. It's very interesting. God has been teaching me that I need to talk more sometimes, but then completely zip it other times.

God did a great job creating summertime in Boone. I have done some combination of hiking/swimming/bouldering/waterfalling on 4 out of the last 7 days!! I have been reminded how glorious a grill, picnic table and friends can be when all combined in perfect weather. Forgot how good a short dress feels. Also reminded of the incredible effects lightning bugs create, and the joyful songs birds sing right outside my window around 7 am. I LOVE SUMMER!!

One year later

2008-06-08T21:15:00.000-07:00

I can't believe we made it a year!! When we decided to set our wedding date for 14 months after getting engaged, I thought it would be completely miserable to wait so long. But now, one year from Stuart's proposal, things have just gotten steadily better and better. I think the timing is actually perfect- for the engagement, and for the marriage, as far as I know- I mean, I'm no expert and I can't really see the future very clearly...

But somehow, seeing how quickly a year went by just seems to be significant. Things always do happen when they need to... finding a house, a spouse, a job. Things always work out somehow.

Oh, and another thing- I felt some slightly sad feelings after we got engaged because getting engaged is something a girl waits for her whole life!! It seems like this ultimate thing to achieve, and after it happened I had a few thoughts of disappointment, like some of the good things in life were over and things would only get boring from there. But it's not true!! Really, I have come soo far personally in the past year, and Stuart and I have gone through a lot of crap since then and I wouldn't go back in time if I could! So that's a relief, huh?!

Speaking of relief- I believe my arms are covered with poison ivy. I went hiking/swimming Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I believe this blessed rash was contracted from my girls only hike on Saturday. We saw a tiny snake and (unrelatedly) completely forgot to look for the poisonous plant. We also got caught in an ear-splitting thunderstorm and I hiked in a bikini for awhile after swimming, so who knows where else I might start itching!!

'pouff'

2008-05-31T22:27:00.000-07:00

I went veil shopping today. Veils are hilarious. They are just a piece of pouff on your head, and you can easily pay $250 for one.

I make a very funny bride, I think! I have no idea what I want for any of these millions of things that I was supposed to have been thinking about my whole life. I'm still not exactly sure what my 'colors' will be, and I've been planning this wedding for a year. I'm getting my bridal portraits done tomorrow, and I still don't know how I will wear my hair or makeup! I have such a hard time with all these decisions- it's quite humorous. Between me, Stuart, and Mom, we spent about 2 hours today scouring over all the fonts we could find on our computers to pick one for invitations.

But I am loving it.

I can trust

2008-05-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

God healed me of some deep trust issues today! Also, I ate at Hokkaido and watched Swiss Family Robinson. A very good day!

answers?

2008-05-18T19:38:00.001-07:00

This is sort of to follow up my previous, desperate posting. Things have been happening, a little. Stuart and I realized we have more contacts in Charlotte than we realized. We spent Saturday in Greensboro and being away from the 'clouds' of Boone, we (especially Stuart) got some good perspective and clarity on practical steps we need to take towards success in the money/jobs area. Don't ask questions- it stresses me out. Trust that we are working on this constantly, and we really trust God will bring jobs and money in it's right timing.

Another thing I was pleading God for was direction in getting our wedding planned! Progress is happening there too, in it's perfect timing. Thursday, we met the lady we will hire to bake a cake for 250 people. She is awesome, and her cakes are amazing. She lives in a town of 45 people. We are the only wedding she has scheduled for this summer so far, but she loves doing wedding cakes, so I think she will put a lot of heart into ours! Wedding guests, be ready to enjoy!

On Friday, I went to Did Someone Say Party? (great store name huh?) and tried on my wedding dress, which came in about a month ago but I hadn't gone to try it on because well... I had been feeling fat. Sorry, I hate when girls say that but it's just what happened! OH! But the dress- I tried it on, and it is still perfect!! It's very interesting that when I see this dress or think of it, I'm not that interested in it. When I put it on however, I just know that it's perfect. I become insta-beautiful! I take it off and become normal ol' Court. Put it on again: VIOLA! It's like a magic trick. Or like God.

I also bought silver, glittery wedges for $25 yesterday. Although I like the look of heels better, I am afraid wedges are really my only choice for smooth, graceful walking down the isle of a garden wedding. You don't really see them anyway. I just need anything to give me a little bit more of a reasonable height in order to be able to kiss my groom!!

Also, Nicole and I set a date for bridal portraits (which she is doing as a gift!!)- June 1st.

Oh, I also received 2 more calls from people interested in house cleaning!

Also, we went all weekend without having to spend any money.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with my dear friend Justina, who is helping us design wedding invitations! This girl breathes art. Plus she is a total sweetheart.

Stuart and I both played/sang at the Morning Star in Winston Salem this morning, and enjoyed the wonderful people and the presence there. It is real discouraging playing there because as a musician, everything you hear sounds really bad from the stage. Today, and the last time we played there, I left thinking "Ok, I am never singing or playing again". Then I realize later that those thoughts are actually encouraging since it's the devil trying to steal your gifts and joy, which is even more reason to keep using them.

Nothing to lose

2008-05-13T07:34:00.001-07:00

I'm trying this new thing with God. You could really call it 'begging'.

I can't wait to see how it goes...

I just remember someone talking in January about how we should contend with God for things He's promised us this year. One thing he promised us is that he "knows the plans he has for us; plans to prosper us and not harm us; plans for a hope and a future".

God- make your plans happen PLEEEEEEEEEASE!!

Please bring me a hope and a future. If you already know it, make it happen! I believe in you!!

Today Stuart is looking for a summer job. I'm ready to start seeing where He wants us in less than 3 months. God, where will we live? Um God, what the heck will I do? What will Stuart do? How will we pay off this debt? How will we pay for our honeymoon please? How are we going to pay for wedding rings and all the other fun things that come with a fun wedding? Please please please??? I believe in you!!! I know you have some plans for us. We're asking you every day. I know you will answer because you always come through. We are waiting and listening for you because we trust you!

I'm sharing this because just about every single person around me right now is experiencing transitions and/or money problems. We have no idea what we are supposed to do after this summer, and we have no idea how we are going to pay for the things we need to pay for.

Let's test it: God, you said you have plans for our future. I'm throwing my plans and hopes at your feet.

Please, move.

We're desperate.

Thanks, and you rule.

Amen

Renee

2008-05-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you just a little about the Askews. They live in a 97-year-old farmhouse 30 minutes from Boone that they gradually fixed up as they birthed and raised three kids. They are professional artists, and art is everywhere in their home. If someone is going through a hard time, Renee will have them paint on her couch as therapy. All kinds of musical instruments hang on the walls. There are verses and pictures all over the walls, lamps, tables and chairs, and canvases of varying size everywhere you look, painted by all five members of the family. They buy milk from the local dairy farm, they all share one bathroom, and don't have a dishwasher. Without some of the modern 'conveniences', you actually feel a lot more peace at their house, and even though they wash dishes by hand, they are never in a hurry but are always on time.

Hm.....

I feel very inspired when I go there. Thank you Askews, for being you!

Ahoy! The winds are changin'

2008-05-05T22:17:00.000-07:00

I only realized about a week ago that many of these people in Boone that I have fallen in love with over the past 9 months are about to leave for the summer, which wouldn't be such a big deal if I weren't going to be GONE when they get back in the fall! Yes...I can feel the change stirring up!! Summer is creeping in in it's most glorious Boone fashion, and consequently, it's now time for something new.

Duh. I knew this was coming. I just didn't realize it really was coming!

You know when you're starting something new...and you're in 'starting' mode for awhile? Like moving back to Boone, for example. But I've kind of stayed in 'starting' mode up until finish time! That may not be entirely true- I've really gone after what I thought this time was supposed to be for me. I've tried to be diligent in following through the things that God had for me during this short season. And He's brought me far- I'm no longer timid about living life in a lot of ways!

But there was some mental blockage that made my brain think that everything would be the same in Boone until I marry Stuart and we go off on some new adventure together. The problem is, I forgot about summer and that other people have other plans!

To my friends who will be here this summer: We are going to have a blast!!

To my friends who are leaving: That's ok- we'll have an eternal blast together one day soon!

Oh, PS- thanks to my mom and dad (and their connections) Stuart and I have VIP tickets to see Radiohead this friday in Charlotte!!! May 9th is my parent's 32nd anniversary, and Stuart and my negative 3 month anniversary!

teenagers

2008-04-29T13:29:00.000-07:00

This is so interesting:

I had God TV on while at work today and this guy (John Bevere) was teaching. Among many other things, here is one interesting point he made:

God never talks about teenagers in the Bible... He talks about babies, children, and adults. People start puberty at 12/13ish; Jewish children have bar/bat mitzvahs at 12/13. The point is that 'teenagers' are really adults and we should treat them so. The prophet Jeremiah got his calling from God at age 16; same with King David. Also, 11 out of the 12 disciples were under 20 when they got started with JC (Jesus Christ). The reason so many teenagers are rebellious is that they are ready to be an adult, but haven't had the proper training or treatment from adults! He suggested the wisdom of running a church/ministry using many young people, while the adults are guiding them with their wisdom. Young people have the energy; older people have the experience. They can work so well together.

I'm really glad I heard that before I start having kids! I had no idea.

fire

2008-04-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

I have never seen God move as powerfully as he has been over the past week. He is sending down fire from heaven- it's the kind of thing you always dream of experiencing! With my logical mind, I can't accept anything but the real thing. I can't fake stuff. I can't fake religion either... God is so real, and heaven is SO close that it is hard to see! It's too close for our eyes to see it. We have the joy of walking in faith, which you can't do once you die and you can see heaven. In heaven, you don't get to choose God despite all the odds- because it's all in front of you.

The 'spirit realm' sounds like a far away place in a science fiction novel. Even after studying about Jesus and the way he lived his life, I can believe, technically, that we can see God and follow what he says to do, but living inside a human body with a human mind, it's hard to really believe that the kingdom is inside of us; that we're already seated in heavenly places; that Jesus is IN us and we are IN Him...umm... isn't that a weird concept??? How are we in him...how the heck is he in us?

Anyway.

This fire is unstoppable. Heaven is infinite. Let's just see what happens over the next few weeks across the nation.

Fruit

2008-04-23T20:57:00.000-07:00

Allergies just made their vicious return to my sinuses a few hours ago after many wonderful months of relief. It hit like a train. Tomorrow I am going to EarthFare to look for a bunch of herbs I just read about online that I hope will help.

On a more positive note:

Today, I got to see a lot of fruit in the Junaluska neighborhood while giving out food! We have been going there every Wednesday since around November, and there are always some ackward times- just because it can feel uncomfortable helping someone, because it insinuates you're in a better place than them and from there the devil tells you all kinds of lies about why you should just leave them alone, you arrogant, ignorant, over-privileged city kids!! At least that's the crap I constantly ignore in my head.

The truth is, it is an extreme honor to serve Jesus in these people; to fulfill a dream I have had since childhood; to learn from the people we talk to and to be blessed by them. It is humbling because I see so clearly that I can offer nothing apart from God. I feel like a crumpled up piece of paper walking around because I have to just empty out everything from my mind and rely on the Lord to move through me.

It really is more blessed to give than to receive. After giving out food, I always feel great because it has taken my focus off of myself, and also I have served Jesus, which is an exhilarating feeling!

Even though this ministry has presented many challenges and opportunities for me to have to 'die' to my self (which is painful), God has moved through it! Somehow, we have been catching so many people at 'just the right time'- usually after they lost a job and had no money. One of our friends today always initiates prayer when we come to her house. I think maybe one week Stuart asked if he could pray for her after she told us the incredible amount of pain she was in, and that's how it got started. Today she had a bunch of friends over and suggested we pray for one of the guys whose wife was in the hospital after a bad car accident. She started praying "God, I really don't know how to pray and I'm not any good at it..." and went on to say that she hadn't prayed in many years until we started praying with her, but now she prays. We prayed for her too, and all the pain in her arms from stress went away. We were able to tell her some really simple truths: You don't have to be under this burden- you can just let it go! That truth alone is so profound.

It is incredible that we carry around the kingdom of heaven inside of us. It is incredible what it does when you take it into a dark place. People want it so bad because it IS peace...love...joy...hope... and all those things that are the deepest longings of the human soul.

And it is incredible that we are able to release it all over the earth!

piles and smiles

2008-04-20T21:51:00.001-07:00

I have always been fairly tidy, but have had a habit of making little piles of stuff around my space. Piles of things that I would "deal with later". Usually the piles could stay for months, or even years... And I am very proud to announce that I am no longer a 'piler'. I will allow myself to make a pile for a few days, but it won't stay longer than a week. So there.

Also, I love flowers!!! When it was pretty on Friday, I went around my yard and picked 2 kinds of purple flowers and some mint springs, arranged them in a tiny white vase, and it's incredible the amount of joy that my little homemade bouquet gives me! I move it around my room if I'm home, keeping it in the best location for each hour. It smells like a dream too.

obligatory posting

2008-04-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

Here's a post for the sake of a post.

I just haven't been very inspired to write lately! I'm sure I'll come back around.

Hooray!

2008-04-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

Counseling was just great.

It was... great.

Maybe some quick points I can share: Each couple creates something new; everyone loves in a different way so you can't use other people as a standard; only Jesus. We create something new; that's why marriage is an adventure.

That's only a small part. Brad taught us a ton of great stuff that I will be studying over and over forever.

So, the wedding is still on. Whew!

Marriage Counseling!!

2008-04-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

I might be naive for being so excited about our first marriage counseling session tonight! We have NOOO idea what to expect. It could be excruciating- touching on the most painful subjects of our lives and love; or it could be really fun as we learn of the joys of marriage and how to love each other better. There's no telling.

Well, our prayer all along has been for God to root the junk out of us before we say our vows. Stuart has prayed that over and over and... it happens! Issues just pop up. It can be messy, but it is good. The theory is that it is better to deal with this personal stuff now than add it onto all the other challenges of marital life.

This past week has been very intense for me in my head. By yesterday I felt like I was going CRAZY- everything was messed up- my finances, my body (unexplained wrist pains?), I was hating my job, and I just couldn't get along with my fiance for days! That's just to name a few. I even told Stuart that I didn't like him, which has never happened before! (We often discuss the 'like vs. love' thing. We'll always love each other, but sometimes it's harder to like the other. That's when a principle we invented called 'Love in Faith' must be employed. You actively love, even when you don't feel like it...and it's not easy)

It's OK though- that stuff is just all the 'junk'. Or some of it.

Stuart had many opportunities to be kind of mad at me for the way I was acting (going crazy), but he kept just looking at me and telling me how fun I was to be around! Or how sweet I am, and that he's so excited we get to be together forever! It was actually hilarious to me, because the things he would say did not match up with the way I was at the time but he was being serious! It was very weird- he wasn't trying to strategically prophesy to me (I don't think), or trick me into being nice again.

He, somehow, was bigger than the problems and was able to see the Truth instead of the chaos.

So today is perfect timing for our first counseling session. It's so obvious how God is playing out this 'story', and brings his characters to the point of despair right before the help comes. It makes for a very good story. I feel very small and cartoon-like in His hands.

I'll keep you posted on how it goes!

joy vs. heaviness

2008-03-29T09:27:00.000-07:00

My birthday brought this crazy real joy, as birthdays often do. It was an awesome joy. I loved it!! The kind that had me just dancing around the house with Stuart and Stephanie just watching me! Haha.. and it happened again at the rollerskating party last night (that was SO fun!!)

Anxiety has really been manifesting itself lately...It's not social anxiety, it's just this heavy feeling. It is an illusion, because I feel SOO HEAVYYYYYYY, but there is really no reason! That's the kind of anxiety I get. UGGGGHHHHHHHH - that's how it feels! And when it hits, it seems like there is no way out; like there is no hope in the world (even though I know there is...it just doesn't feel like it at the time). I pray and pray and pray, and then tell myself over and over: Hey, everything is OK! It's really OK!!! It IS!!! haha!

AND, I believe there is a tiny little lightswitch that turns from the heaviness to the birthdaylike joy.

Faith.

I'm still reaching around the wall with my hand to learn exactly where this switch is (aka Jesus). Eventually I will know by heart how to find the switch, but right now it's still taking me some time and effort to find it each time I need it.

Last night after the party, I was presented with this amazing, beautiful journal!! It touched me so much- Justina and Harry painted/whatever-beautiful-art-thinged the cover, and some friends wrote the sweetest, most encouraging notes inside it! Oh man... it is perfect. I couldn't even believe they took the time to do that for me!! I just now fully read the verse that is discreetly written across the front and back covers:

"And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding..."

Funny that she wrote the part about peace twice.

Among other amazing things, Kyle Stout painted/mixed media-ed this lone young looking tree growing in and out of layers of blue and orange. I knew the tree was me. The art itself really spoke to me, then she wrote underneath: It's the rainy days that make them grow.

"The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me.

He sent me to preach good news to the poor,

heal the heartbroken,

Announce freedom to all captives,

pardon all prisoners.

God sent me to announce the year of his grace-

a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies-

and to comfort all who mourn,

To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,

give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,

Messages of joy instead of news of doom,

a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.

Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness"

planted by God to display his glory.

They'll rebuild old ruins,

raise a new city out of wreckage.

They'll start over on ruined cities,

take the rubble left behind and make it new"

a true American hero

2008-03-28T13:30:00.001-07:00

One time I talked to Stuart on the phone as he rescued a kitten out of a tree.

Some girls' legs will never look like toothpicks.

2008-03-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

...that's all I have to say about that :)

I tried to post this a few days ago...

2008-03-18T21:26:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm really just doing this for myself- it is so fun to have a birthday list!! Who cares if it's childish!

1) Lavender pillow spray from Bath and Body Works

2) Subscription to Real Simple

3) flowers

4) boots

5) fun beauty products ie: good lotion, lip gloss

6) $5,000

7) new jeans

8) another diamond ring

9) new car

10) for God to tell me and Stuart where we should live

11) a sweet violin

12) good olive oil

13) a chocolate chip cookie- cake. I love those things.

14) Some homemade fried chicken (WAIT I'm already getting that! Cant' wait!)

15) good music

This awesome family on Junaluska Rd. is making us a real Southern dinner on Thursday (which is my bday!) I've never had REAL homemade fried chicken (oh, the woes of being white) but these ladies (they're sisters) are experts! They said "honey, do you think we got this big from eatin' BAD fried chicken??!"

That's all I can think of for my list. I can't remember what I used to do with my Birthday list- burn it? Send it up the chimney? Mail it to the North Pole? What did most kids do? Was I the only one who always made birthday lists or is that normal?

My birthday is March 20th, and I've always thought that was such a pretty date. It's the first day of spring!! I think my birthday will always be fun no matter what happens just because my whole body is just celebrating. It's like my heart soul and spirit throw a party and it doesn't matter what happens outside my body, although positive outside circumstances are definitely a plus :)

Enough about me, gosh.

Pray for my Uncle Bob- he has been really sick for 2 weeks. He is wonderful and I want him to feel better.

Art?

2008-03-18T21:14:00.001-07:00

I think it's neat that art never runs out. Because every person born is something brand new to the universe, creativity will never run out. God is infinite right? We are an expression of his image and nature. Each new soul born brings something no one has ever seen in the history of the world.

I think my art comes out through hospitality. In this area, I see things that many people don't see, and I think of things that most wouldn't, because maybe hospitality is my art! When I clean my kitchen at the end of the day, each little move is a stroke of beauty resulting in a masterpiece!

One of Stuart's arts is humor. NO ONE in the world would think of the things he says. He often forgets his jokes afterwards while other people remember them and laugh years later. It's his art!

Each person is bringing their art...all mingling together in the air...

And the world is a mural!

My art is NOT writing, but I see the world different from anyone else who has ever lived!

I am an artist!

(so are you)

lame

2008-03-11T22:02:00.000-07:00

My confession:

To me these days, there are not many better feelings than having an immaculate house.

It sounds pathetic, but for me that is utmost satisfaction.

Official 5 month marker

2008-03-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

Five months from today will be my first day as a married woman!

The best feeling...

2008-03-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite things these days- it's something fairly new to me:

The wisdom and kind advice of the man I'm about to commit the rest of my life to.

I get so mad at him sometimes. Sometimes it slowly builds over a few days before I tell him, and sometimes it doesn't take long, but of course, conflict always leads to 'talking it out'. I love talking it out!! My love language is quality time, so that is part of why I love it. Also, because I am not very confrontational, an issue needs to really upset me before I address it; so whenever we have 'a talk', it's about something really important to me and it feels extremely good to get it out.

And THEN, he listens! I love being listened to. And I love the advice (OR apology, solution, heart-sharing....whatever) that follows.

It's just sweet. I have wise parents who did this for me growing up, but now I have a wise person that I'm about to marry who can do it too! Coooool!

Oh...it was a hoax

2008-03-05T21:32:00.000-08:00

I just found out the 'masked gunman' who caused ASU to be on lockdown for an hour and a half was not real. Some guy made up a story to avoid having to pay for his broken lock (or something like that).

And now there are 3 facebook groups dedicated to bashing him, and countless students are cursing him over and over. I can't imagine what his life is like right now.

I just wouldn't be able to bash like that because I know what it feels like to make a ridiculous move in life that you regret later...

I have done things and thought things that I am so glad no one will ever know while we're on earth.

I'm just sorry that his had to be exposed like that, and I'm praying for him. When someone falls down, we need to help him get back up- not stomp all over his broken body.

I'm in the wardrobe!

2008-03-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

Wait a second...

How is tonight ending on such a sweet note? This is amazing. And supernatural!

Today:

-I thought I would work and make a lot of money to pay the rent that is due now; but today's work didn't work out.

-Was left with another day off, when I really didn't want a day off (isn't that weird?)

-Didn't eat until dinner (but that was intentional)

-I spent a lot of time reading wedding blogs at the coffee shop, when in my mind that isn't 'accomplishing' much.

-Got rear-ended by a car

-A masked gunman caused the town to shut down for a few hours

-We had to cancel our MorningStar meeting because the campus was on lockdown

-Just cried with a friend about her excruciating breakup

But i feel great!! That is the grace of God.

He actually showed me last night that I'm 'in the wardrobe'- like Lucy! I'm in a transition in my life, where I have already left behind a lot of the joys that were in the house and I'm walking toward Narnia, but I can't see it yet! I think I'm starting to brush against some of the pine needles, but it has not enveloped my senses yet. I can't touch it, but I know it's coming. It's hard to explain, but it makes so much sense right now! That's why I've been feeling kind of numb. I've given up a lot of pleasures I used to feel out of ignorance. I'm seeking hard after Truth. I can feel it coming, and see it sometimes, but it hasn't become a full reality I can walk in.

I want to live supernaturally, like Jesus. I'm tired of not hearing God. The sweetness I feel tonight is one of those pine needle branches. I'd better grab a fur coat...

5 months of "good night"s to go...

2008-03-03T20:04:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the first TINY miniscule freak out about getting married. It wasn't about Stuart, it was just about being a married person. It's only scary because I've never done it before and I don't know what it's like to not be under the trusted care of my parents! My parents have been great to me for 24 years and now I'm leaving them and cleaving with another person my own age who has never 'cloven' to another person before... so how will he know how to take care of me and me him??

But Ok, it lasted about 7 seconds, and as soon as I journaled it out it was gone. I've had so much peace about this relationship for three solid years.

Now tonight when Stuart drove me home, I was thinking "I'm really tired of saying 'good night' to my best friend every night!!"

anger

2008-02-10T21:53:00.000-08:00

Today, I decided that 98% of people in the world have dealt with anger at some point, and 97% still do to some extent. I mean, I made those numbers up but I bet that's a good guess! I actually have thought and prayed about the subject of anger in my life a lot recently, because I

know that is one thing I do not want to take into marriage!

And I'm reflecting back on my life, and see how anger has steered the course of so many of my relationships. Actually, I believe anger has ruined the opportunity for countless friendships in my past. There is one particular moment that comes to mind every time- in this moment I'm sitting in my room alone at my old house. There are several really great girls over, and because I'm crazy with this anger thing still in me, I am mad for seriously what now seems like no reason. No one knew I was mad. I think I was mad because I didn't feel appreciated, or treated right, or like they just weren't as cool as me. Self-pity is one of the ugliest situations in the world. So is pride...and anger, and they're all connected!

And these girls were great, but because I was blinded by weird passive aggressive anger for insane reasons, I disconnected myself from them and missed some really great opportunities. They actually had a lot of fun without me! I see the same thing woven all throughout my high school and middle school days...I was closed off because I was so focused on my problems. I thought about how people should treat me constantly- I didn't even see that they were hurting too and I could have loved them and helped their hurt! Instead, I only thought about my own hurt. This was extremely destructive and led to a lot of bad results.

Anyway, God has really brought me a looong way!! I can't even believe the capacity I have to love now, especially compared to my past! It has not come easily, but being able to really see a difference in the way my heart works now is amazing. I'm talking about my involuntary reactions- I don't even have to try, and I find myself having compassion for people I wouldn't have given the time of day to before. And my parents!! If you read my old diaries you would see it is a miracle how much I love them now!! Haha...(and they are not hard to love, for the record. They are 2 of the greatest people in the world and they blow me away by their kindness.)

The Lord has just done this. And it has come from a lot of decisions to die to my old self and choose Jesus' way, and a lot of times on my face with Him doing things I can't even explain in my spirit. Can you believe he let his enemies make a mockery of Him in public? He knew He was God. He even loved the people who did that to Him. We just watched The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe and the part that gets me the most is the way the enemies taunt Aslan and belittle him before he lets them take his life. It kills me because I know and he knows and THEY know who he really is! It's amazing that to be 'weak' is really to be strong. God's ways are opposite of what the world thinks.

Oftentimes Christians hide anger so we look and feel more "holy". But if anger is still there only suppressed, it then sneaks out through passive aggression...which is really nasty.

Soooo here's my anger! Out in daylight with no place to hide! Honestly, there's only a little left (compared to what I was starting with..) that surfaces from time to time. We had a great time at church this morning after Matt Peterson spoke about anger. He said that statistically anger shortens your life expectancy by a lot. Stuart and I agreed to a new habit: when we see anger in each other, then pray for the other instead of getting angry that the other one is angry!

So if you see me acting weird the next few months, it might be God letting me make some final decisions about what to do with remaining anger fragments in my heart. Just pray for me!

influenza

2008-02-07T22:30:00.000-08:00

The other morning, I woke up with the flu...during the night, my body shook for what felt like hours. In a delirious state of mind, I felt like I was being enveloped in a spiral, and by the morning time, I felt entirely pinned down on the bed. I laid there for three hours, slowly trying to 'unpin' myself, one body part at a time. First I would have to unpin a part, then let it lay there and warm up before it could move. Being sick takes your mind to strange places. After finally making it to the bathroom (and almost passing out from dizziness) I climbed, of course, back into the my flannel snowflake sheet set.

And this is the weird part. God was at my window. He wasn't literally, but he was! I saw him there in the sunlight. And he made me smile, and just drunkenly tell him how much I love him.

I love that moment!